Monday, February 21, 2005

The Year of Mitzi

The Chinese name each new year "The Year of _____." This new Chinese year is the Year of the Rooster. This new year for me . . . well, it's the year of me.

I decided it was time (as O would say) to "live my best life." I made some specific decisions. I went back to Weight Watchers Online (14 pounds and dropping). I started an exercise program (free weights daily, walk 2 miles 5 x week, walk 4 miles on the weekend). I meditate daily - and if I cannot meditate, I give myself at least 30 minutes of silence. Silence means silence - no music, no TV - nothing - silence. I can hear my heart - beating and talking - in that silence.

The first thing I had to do was to acknowledge that I was doing this for Mitzi. I had to eliminate many other reasons, reasons that might have been important to Mitzi.04.

The Old Mitzi:
Mark dumped me and if I lose tons of weight, he will want me again.
The New Mitzi:
I don't want anyone who only wants me when I'm a certain weight. I need to lose weight to be healthier - not prettier. I'm already beautiful.

The Old Mitzi:
I think I'll get a rocking chair
The New Mitzi:
I think I'll get a rocking chair to use after I walk 2 miles and use my Easy Shaper

The Old Mitzi:
I hate my job
The New Mitzi:
This is the best job I've ever had; I'm valued; I'm autonomous. I hope it goes on until I win the lottery.

The Old Mitzi:
I'll never get published.
The New Mitzi:
Well, that's just B. S. You're already published and you're working on getting published in novel-length.

The Old Mitz:
I need a man in my life.
The New Mitzi:
I would like a man in my life. But if the right one doesn't appear, so what. I will take a lesson from one of Mark's ex-girlfriends: I will not settle for less than I deserve.

I deserve the Best because that's what I am.

Friday, February 04, 2005

Winter's Dance

This morning was the most beautiful dawn - a turquoise sky sprayed with clouds of pink-orange foam. The bitter cold had left, replaced by more moderate temperatures and I stood by my car, reluctant to open the door. Reluctant to go inside yet another small box - from my bigger box (apartment) to my smaller box (car) to drive to a larger box (office). I wanted to stay outside - to plant my feet in the snow until the cold seeped through my shoes. To lift my face to the sun feeling it's late winter warmth. I wanted to hear the calls of the birds, answer them and watch their progress across the sky.

I wanted to stay outside.

Sometimes I wonder how many days outside I have left. I look at the wonders around me and doubt that I could ever part from them, even with the extreme fatigue of death. I hope that my Summerland is rich in the nature I see around me everyday. My heaven would be to be a tree in my next life.

After lunch, I watched a squirrel groom - do his afternoon ablutions - cleaning tail, face, whiskers - nibbling at real or imagined fleas on first his right side and then his left. I was totally fascinated with his act - so unconscious and unaware than a being of a "higher" function was watching him in wonder.

I watched the birds as they dance across the snow banks, searching for the bird food I've covertly tossed out. I've watched the snow slowly take on the texture of bird feet doing bird waltzes. I've watched one sparrow sit on a pile of bird food, daring all comers to approach. He pecked at the seed and then flapped his wings, beating his feet and scattering seed around him - as if he calling for a fight. I watched him chase off buntings and other sparrows and only back off when a female cardinal lighted near him.

And now a mocking bird hops around, pecking at the concrete, looking for the last bits of seed.

So many wonders - right outside.

I will bring my laptop home with me this weekend. I'll put the small table at the patio doors. With a dining room chair it should be just the right height - I can write and watch the wonders.