Ugly Pictures that Could Save Your Life

People would think I'm crazy to publish these pictures - but, well - we all know I'm a bit off center.

These are pictures of the inside of me - at least the inside of my colon. Yep! I did it (not without some drama, of course - more on that later), but I had a colonoscopy.

And I have to thank my sister for that! Like the commercial of the husband with his wife literally hanging off his back to get him to go, Pattie bugged me for months. And, being a nurse, I've seen the results of not going for diagnostic procedures. In other words, I should have known better.

After I gave in to my baby sister, I heard the "scare" stories - most of which centered around the "prep." "The prep is worse than the procedure." Well, the prep wasn't as bad as the fall and the staples. Huh?? More on that in a minute.

The gallon of stuff you have to drink over four or five hours is not that great tasting - I used the lemon-lime flavor and pretended I was drinking margaritas (Hey! I'm a writer with a great imagination). I also stocked up on juices that I liked since I would have to stop eating "real" food at noon and move on to the ever popular clear liquids. I did have to cut off two phone conversations because I literally ran to the bathroom (thank Goddess I live in small one floor apartment). During one with my Seattle-based daughter I went so fast that I took the phone with me, putting it on the sink counter. She could hear me doing my duty and I could hear her laughter. I cursed her to having me live with her when I'm eighty.

Anyway - the prep wasn't all that bad. One of my beloved Regional Nurses, Miss Dina (who's been calling me Mrs. McCartney) told me just to weigh myself in the morning and I would feel much better about the prep. She was right - I lost five pounds overnight! The next morning I got up bright and early to get ready for my colon's debut. Pattie, the instigator of this, was taking a day off from work to drive me to and fro. Bless her - in many ways.

I was busy taking my shower, when I turned a bit to fast in the tub, lost my footing and WAP!, fell through the shower curtain and cracked my head on the edge of the sink. The sink is just fine. I bled so much the cats were following me around thinking I was dying and they would never be fed again. I have a nice gash that required four STAPLES at Lehigh Valley Muhlenburg's ER (more on the hospital later) BEFORE I could even get admitted to the short procedure unit.

With scalp closed and colon cleansed, I was ready for my close-up, Dr, Mittal. What a nice guy. Well, I guess you gotta be nice when you have to deal with a--holes all day long. Ba-dump-dum! After the nurses did their duties of vital signs and IVs, he explained everything to me. Eventually I was wheeled into to diagnostic lab.

This place was also full of very nice nurses/techs - whoever. They were great and laughed with me. They had heard about the woman who had to have her scalp stapled before the procedure. I heard music, got some oxygen, was placed on the heart monitor, was asked to turn on my left side, told them they should have a second TV for me (one was for Dr. Mittal) and immediately went to la-la land.

The next think I knew I was being wheeled back into my little cubical in the waiting area. Vital signs checked. No cramps. No gas. Pattie came in to see me. Dr. Mittal came in to see me. I had one small polyp (you can tell whcih one it is by the mark on the picture) that was removed and biopsied (will find out next week).

With 30 minutes I had a ginger ale and was trying to recruit their nursing staff for PennMed. I was back in true-Mitzi form.

This was my first time with Lehigh Valley Hospital System - I was at the Muhlenberg Hospital in Bethlehem. They were the most efficient, caring, knowledgeable staff I've met on my health-travels. I told them that if I went back to acute care, I would want to work there - if I could stay in the soaringly beautiful lobby. The staff made what could have been an embarrassing procedure and a trip to the ER, almost...well...almost fun.

And, of course, it was "Lucy and Ethel go to the hospital" with Mitzi and Pattie.

So here are the pictures of me that could save my life.
I thought you should have a set. Especially if there's a history of colon cancer in your family and/or you're over 50. If not, I'll be on your back, just like Pattie was on mine. Hell! I need all the readers I can get.