Not the Pretty One

I've mentioned this before - in a very early post - but it's been knocking around again in my brain lately.

The story goes like this: I overheard one of my father's friends tell him that "at least you have one pretty daughter." I was old enough to know that he was referring to me. It wasn't so much that remark that hurt so bad (it hurt enough) - it was Dad's silence.

I've been chubby since the age of 7 or 8 - at least that's when my school pictures seem to have changed. I also remember being in Children's Hospital of Washington D.C with some mysterious ailment - and being a very skinny kid and picky eater - very picky. I am no longer - I started to eat when Mom and Dad started to equate food with love: "You must not love us if you won't eat the food I worked hard to get for you (Dad) and I worked hard to fix for you (Mom)."

But I can't fault them - they were both children of the Depression and I know that there were many nights when they probably went to bed hungry - eating/food was love to them. And then to me.

There was a time when I lost 80 pounds - immediately after my divorce. Not that I was devastated - I had initiated the break-up. I just decided that I needed to be healthy for my daughter - and the weight came off and the men gathered around. Finally I was pretty - but it took a long time before I found someone who I thought would love me even if I stopped being pretty.

I found him but he died waiting for a heart transplant. And over the years since I've gained back some of that lost weight - I've also gone through menopause and one bout with cancer. I nursed my mother when she was dying of cancer and was at my father's beside when he died.

And I've had my share of gentlemen in those years.

I'm trying to decide if I want to venture down that path again - searching for a male companion as I reach 60.

Is it worth it to bring up all those old insecurities of not being the pretty one - not being pretty enough - not being slim enough . . .

I'm certainly smart enough, outgoing enough, loving enough. . .
But would I look good on the arm of a 60 year old man.
I guess that depends on if he feels GOOD enough for me.