Monday, June 13, 2005

And on the other hand . . .

One of the oldest human needs is having someone wonder where you are when you don’t come home at night.-Margaret Mead

I was thinking about my latest post (Two Weddings - No Funeral) this morning while I showered (I do a lot of deep thinking in or near water). And then this morning, the above quote showed up on one of my email newsletters.

I'm not bashing the institution of couple-hood, whether married or not. It just hasn't seemed to work for me - marriage or being part of a couple.

Therefore I've evolved into a person alone, who seems to thrive under those conditions. Sometimes I wish it were different, but I just don't have the energy to do the search again - I've got too many other things to do. Not an excuse, just the truth.

And it does take a lot of energy. I realized not long ago that I had spent almost one-tenth of my life with Mark. I have nice memories and some lovely gifts - but would rather have had him as a companion. Do I want to spend years looking for and working on a relationship, only to have it fall-apart? Or do I want to spend what time I have left doing the things I love, even if it is alone?

In September I will be flying to Seattle to have my daughter show me around her adopted home. I want to travel back to Cornwall - this time on a long spiritual retreat. I want to do the same at Sedona. I want to go back to oil painting one day soon.

In addition to working full-time, I'm in the middle of writing two novels and researching and outlining three nonfiction books. I'm getting ready for my trip to Gettysburg at the end of June - and "getting ready" for me doesn't mean packing - I can do THAT with my eyes closed. It means research - reading, studying, deciding where I'm going and when.

I had a brainstorm for a book: Accidental Angels: The Civilian Nurses of Gettysburg. I will spend time before, during and after the trip working on that.

Now if there was a gentleman out there who understood all of that, who would enjoy helping me with the research, who didn't think that I was crazy if I wanted to stay in a haunted hotel or go on a ghost walk - then I would look him over.

But until then - well, I guess my cats will be the only ones who care if I don't come home at night.

I can live with that.


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