Breaking News . . . .

It crawls across the bottom of the CNN screen. "Missing bride found unhurt. . ." or words to that affect. Everyone is elated. The missing bride-to-be, Jennifer Wilbanks, had called from a payphone - she didn't even know where she was. Her family and friends were celebrating. Newsreporters were happy . . . All was right in the world. It was "good news."

But . . .
Something just didn't seem right to me. The hairs on the back of my neck were dancing when I heard about the "Hispanic man and white woman" who had kidnapped the bride-to-be.
And I said as much: "This ain't kosher." However, the cats were the only ones who heard me.

Alas, once again - in the mode of "Scott Peterson did it just as sure as I'm breathing" - I was right. Something, indeed, was not kosher.

This daughter of a pillar of the community, this off-spring of a stellar family, this young woman of the 14 attendants and 600 guests. . .this WASP (white-anglo-saxon-princess) had caused grief and worry to family and friends and $60K to her community by running away from her problems. Days after being brought home, towel over her head as she walked through the airport, she's apologizing . . .saying that there were causes for her disappearance but she's just not ready to talk about them yet.

Well, excuuuuuuuuuuse me, Jennifer Wilbanks. Grow-the-fuck-up.

Take accountability for your actions. Beg forgiveness from your family, your fiance, your community. If your fiance will have you now after you humiliated him and his family in public, have a nice quiet wedding with immediate family. Donate the money you would have spent on the previously planned extravaganza to your town for the hours of heartache and financial cost of your bus ride to New Mexico. Do some community service, preferably with people who hardly have busfare, let alone the money to waste on such a wedding.

However, for the sake of your poor fiance, I hope he realizes that you are not ready to assume the responsibility of being a wife - you're hardly ready to be an adult.

Adults don't run away from their problems. And if they do need some time away, they let the ones who love them know where they are.

Jennifer Wilbanks - you were not worth replacing the news of carnage in Iraq - news of your flight was not worth not hearing about dying Iraqi children.

I know what to do with all the money you would have spent on a wedding. Give it to UNICEF.
Give it to Care. Give it to Save the Children. Hell! Give it to the local ASPCA.

They're worth more than the "problems" of a self-centered WASP.

And to the media who gave her flight credence and were then upset when she had not been kidnapped: STOP IT. STOP IT NOW!
Not one more word about her. I don't want to hear her public apology. I don't want pictures of any nuptials. I don't want to see her picture on "People." Do not have her or her pastor on CNN, Today, GMA or CBS Morning. And for God's sake, DO NOT give this airhead a freakin' BOOK DEAL and subsequent "Movie of the Week." Let it goooooooo. I am after this rant. If she appears on a newscast, I will change the channel.
Go back to reporting the real news:
Dafur, Baghdad, Iran, prisoner abuse, lack of healthcare for millions of Americans, North Korea.
Let Huntley and Brinkley rest in their graves - they've been spinning for a loooong time.