Monday, May 14, 2007

Making Sauce

I made a list of all the things I had to get done today - some work-related and some personal.
I have most of them done and it's not 11 AM. And, no, I haven't had ten cups of high-test coffee.
I'm just "making sauce". That's what I call my defence mode - the mode I go into when something's thrown me for a loop.
I recognized that mode years ago when Pop and I admitted Mom to the hospital - her lymphoma noticeably advancing to her brain, causing confusion and belligerence, making it almost impossible for us to take care of her at home. It would be her last admission to the hospital, but we didn't know it at the time.
I'd gone to West Virginia to help Pop with her care. Once a chubby, robust woman, she had lost so much weight that I could lift her from the bed to the bedside commode easily. Pop was becoming exhausted and needed more than the few visits of the home health aide. So I stayed until a week after the admission, when we both realized that her coming home was not going to happen.
But that first day, immediately after we returned from the hospital, I knew. Deep down the nurse in me knew that Mom wouldn't be coming home. As soon as we were back in their little apartment, I started making sauce. I chopped onions, garlic and pepperoni. I sauteed everything in olive oil. Pop wanted to know what I was doing. "Making sauce. Just making sauce like Mom taught me, Pop."
Now when I'm stressed and I run on extra energy, I call it my "making sauce" mode.
I'm chopping and sauteing - just not onions and garlic and pepperoni.
"Making sauce" keeps me calm and centered.
Back to my "to do" list.


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